


A Confession to Myself

by FrankTheSnek



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Author's Favorite, Emotional Sex, First Time, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Past Child Abuse, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankTheSnek/pseuds/FrankTheSnek
Summary: "John," another long pause and he looked down at his hands face sad. "I love you. I—I have for a long time. I wanted, needed to say it out loud at least once. Even if...even if I will never be able to say it to you." Then he looked back at the camera and cleared his throat roughly."Rodney—” Jennifer started to say soft and sincere but he cut her off."Ok ah were was I....pie three point—"John paused the video cutting his friend off mid word. He sat staring at the frozen image of Rodney on the screen. First he felt a little numb. Then hot, heat rolling through his body making his face red and his finger tips tingle a little.Takes place after S5E6 The Shrine. What if it wasn't Dr. Keller that Rodney confessed his love for? What if it was John, and he doesn't handle it very well.**Mentions/descriptions of child abuse are very mild.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 111





	A Confession to Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I really love how this turned out. Kind of a character study but not quite. Became a bit longer than I was anticipating. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Mentions/descriptions of child abuse are very mild. Really its only about one paragraph and a few vague references to it.

Keller sat at her desk staring down at the CD sitting on top of her closed laptop. It was a CD that shouldn't exist. One that she never should have burned. It was the second copy she had made of it. The first one she had made a little over a week ago. As soon as her computer had dinged signaling the copying process was done she had popped it out of her laptop, broken it into a dozen pieces, and then tossed it into a sharps container for good measure. Because a physical copy of the video on it shouldn't exist. The video should be locked up in a secure zip folder attached to Dr. McKay's medical records. Never to exist outside that capacity without his consent.

Doctor patient confidentiality was the cornerstone and foundation of good practice. Yet here Jennifer sat debating breaking it. The fact that she was even considering it was disturbing to her but she couldn't stop thinking about the video in question and the potentially positive ramifications of sharing it. It had been day six of the video logs when Dr. McKay had just started to loose himself. When his mind had begun to wonder and jump around like an adolescent with untreated ADHD. He had gone off the script of their standard questions and made a startling confession about his feelings for Colonel Sheppard.

The confession had left Jennifer stunned but after the fact when it had sunk in and settled in her mind really it made so much sense. The casual "dates” she had shared with Rodney over the past few months that never went anywhere despite her inviting him to make moves. The fact that on more than one occasion Rodney had chose to spend time with his friend instead of taking Keller up on her not so subtle invites to spend time alone together. They'd had chemistry yes, but Rodney's heart was already with someone else. 

Keller picked up the CD bending it. The flimsy plastic case it was in threatening to snap. Stopping she opened the top draw of her desk and dropped the disk in. It wasn't her business. Standing up she turned to leave but only made it as far as the doorway before turning around. She leaned against the door frame staring at the closed drawer. Closed like Rodney's heart was. It had opened when the parasite had invaded his brain and torn down the dam he had build to keep his emotions at bay.

Once Dr. McKay had been better and recovering she had asked how much he remembered. The answer was not much. Apparently the parasite had effected his short term memory before they had seen the effects of it. Going all the way back to the mission when he had contacted it his memory was fuzzy and broken. Bits and pieces of clarity here and there but over all he remembered very little from the time he contracted the parasite through when it was removed. Keller doubted Rodney remembered confessing his feelings about John.

She knew Rodney well enough to know that now with his whit’s back about him and his emotions in check he wasn't going to be confessing those feelings again anytime soon. That was what had her hung up because Sheppard deserved to know. There was no doubt in her mind that the Colonel felt the same way. Looking at the way he acted with Rodney it seemed obvious now. Jennifer understood why he had never done anything, the American military wasn't exactly accepting of that type of thing. But if Sheppard knew his friend felt the same way Jennifer was sure he would do something about it. The soldier was all charm and confidence and bravado.

Walking back to her desk she opened the drawer and looked down at the CD. She almost grabbed it. Almost. Instead she closed it again and turned to leave. She couldn't do that. Couldn't break doctor patient confidentiality for something like that. No matter how badly she thought the Colonel should know. It wasn't her place even if she knew it would make them both happier in the long run. Even if they were both her friends and they deserved to be happy after everything they had been through together. After all the sacrifices they had made they deserved some real happiness. Didn't they?

She made it halfway to her room before turning around and going back to the infirmary.

\-----

John was tucked away into his room for the evening. His favorite Johnny Cash album was playing and he sat in his chair next to the stereo strumming along to it lazily on his guitar. Mumbling the lyrics as he let the singer's smooth mellow voice relax him. The track was just switching to _Hurt_ when a knock came on his door. 

Setting down his guitar John went to answer the door and was more than a little surprised to see Dr. Keller on the other side. "Doctor come in," he said stepping aside and letting her step into his room. Stuffing his hands in his pockets he gave her a playful smile. "Little late for house calls isn't it?" He wiggled his eyebrows in that goofy suggestive way of his and Keller shook her head with a tiny huff of laughter.

"Very funny Colonel. I actually had something I wanted to give you," she held out the CD then retracted her hand pulling it back close to her chest.

"What is it?" Sheppard asked curiosity now piqued.

"It’s ah..." Jennifer pressed her lips together looking nervous and drummed her fingers over the CD case. "Something I think you should see." She continued but made no move to actually hand over the disk. 

"That would probably be easier if you actually gave it to me," the Colonel offered holding out his hand.

"Right of course." She hesitated a moment longer then held it out to him. John reached out snagging it quickly before she could change her mind. That was it. She had done it. Handed over a piece of someone's private medical information. She felt a little light headed. This was wrong she should take it back from him.

"Jennifer are you alright?" Sheppard was asking a hand on her shoulder. "You look a little pale."

"Fine, I'm fine. Just tired it's late I should go," she smiled and stepped out of his reach. That was her last chance and she let it slip away, it was out of her hands now. 

"Ok, well good night then." John said looking both confused and a little worried. Keller just nodded at him and turned to leave. Once she was gone John looked down at the disk curiously. He wondered what could be on it that had made her so hesitant to give it to him. 

Since the only way to find out was to watch it Sheppard went over to his desk and opened his laptop. Popping open the CD drive he dropped the disk into the caddy and slid it shut. After the brief moment it took the computer to recognize the new hardware the video software auto opened and the file started to play.

An image of Rodney popped up and he started talking. "Remind me to register a complaint with whoever's idea this was."

"It was yours actually," came Keller’s voice from off screen. 

John paused the video. Rodney in the infirmary talking the a camera, the little day and number annotation in the bottom corner. It was from when he had been sick with the parasite. Why would she show him this? It was a blatant disregard of doctor patient confidentiality. John frowned and thought then frowned even harder.

The only reason she could break it was because she was a mandatory reporter. If she thought Rodney was a direct danger to himself or someone else. The thought of his best friend falling into either of those options made John's gut twist painfully. No wonder she had looked so uncomfortable handing it over to him. Taking a deep breath John steadied himself bracing for whatever was about to play out.

Hitting play he watched as Rodney bantered lightly with Jennifer. Then recited his name and title only fumbling slightly. When he struggled to remember the name of the Pegues galaxy it made John's heart clench. Then there was a long pause and his friend gave a heavy sigh.

"While I remember, while I still can there's something I want to say...before I forget it..." Rodney looked right at the camera pausing for a long moment like it was hard for him to get the words out. "John," another long pause and he looked down at his hands face sad. "I love you. I—I have for a long time. I wanted, needed to say it out loud at least once. Even if...even if I will never be able to say it to you." Then he looked back at the camera and cleared his throat roughly. 

"Rodney—” Jennifer started to say soft and sincere but he cut her off.

"Ok ah were was I....pie three point—"

John paused the video cutting his friend off mid word. He sat staring at the frozen image of Rodney on the screen. First he felt a little numb. Then hot, heat rolling through his body making his face red and his finger tips tingle a little. Like how you feel when you've done something really really embarrassing. Rodney's confession played over in his head as clearly as if he had rewound and replayed the video.

Reaching out he snapped the laptop shut with more force than was necessary. Staring at the back of it still hearing Rodney's words in his head. Something in his chest felt heavy. Felt all twisted up and spikey like a knotted up thorn bush had suddenly taken root. Getting to his feet he headed for the door moving out and down the hall with purpose.

\-----

Jennifer had just finished brushing her teeth and changing for bed when the knock came at her door. Really calling it a knock was being nice, it was more of an aggressive pounding. She wished there was a peep hole on the door because really she wasn't sure she wanted to answer. It was late and clearly whoever was on the other side wasn't happy.

The decision was taken away from her when suddenly the door slid open on it's own and a very unhappy John Sheppard let himself in. "Colonel!" She gasped stunned not only by his appearance in her room but also by the realization that he could gain entry to anyone's quarters without their permission. "What are you doing here?" She questioned quickly grabbing her bathrobe from the back of her desk chair. She was thankful it was close at hand because really she didn't know John well enough to be comfortable in front of him in her nightgown. "How dare you just let yourself in like that!" 

"Why the hell did you give me that video?" He asked irate and ignoring her displeasure at his entry. "That was private medical documentation. You had no right to give it to me. I could report you and have your license suspended."

"I—I just thought," really she was flabbergasted. 

"You thought what?" The soldier demanded taking a step closer to her. Hands on his hips he stared down at her with all the angry authority of a seasoned CO.

Clutching the front of her robe tighter Jennifer took a step back. "I thought you should know," she said. "Thought you would want to."

"Why the hell would I be interested in McKay harboring secret feelings for me?" He questioned brows drawn together mouth set in a firm line. 

"I thought, I mean with the way you are around him. With how you're always flirting with him—"

"Flirting?" John cut her off and he was sure his voice hadn't cracked like that since he was in middle school. "I do not _flirt_ with McKay! How could you think— We're just friends. Period."

"Clearly I misread things," Jennifer said taking another step back. She was not at all comfortable with his tone and anger directed at her in such a way. "I wasn't trying to offend you. I'm sorry."

"Damn right you should be," Sheppard said with a tone of finality pointing a finger at her. Jennifer didn’t say anything just looked at him with huge eyes. John looked her over taking in her posture, her expression. Suddenly all the anger melted from his face and his stance softened. She looked terrified. "I..." He floundered struggling to apologize because what the hell was wrong with him.

"You need to leave Colonel. Now." Her tone was firm but John heard the subtle waver under it. Without another word he turned and left. Once the door had closed and she was alone Jennifer sank down to her bed breathing heavily. It wasn't that she thought he was going to hurt her—she knew he would never—but having the type of anger Sheppard normally reserved for Wraith directed at her had been more than a little unnerving.

More so she had apparently been horribly wrong. Jennifer had been so positive that Sheppard would return Rodney's feelings she hadn't even considered that he would be upset by the knowledge. The last thing she had ever expected was for the laid-back easy going Colonel to be a homophobe. She had risked her career and outed Rodney for nothing. Dropping her head to her hands she hoped that he wouldn't make good on his threat about turning her in. Even more deeply she hoped she hadn't doomed Rodney to Sheppard's homophobic wrath.

\-----

The next afternoon Rodney entered the mess hall late, nearly missing out on the lunch window. Filling his trey with the slim pickings of what was left he spotted John sitting alone and made for his table. "Almost missed lunch," he stated as he sat down across from his friend. "Was caught up working and you didn't come get me like you normally do." Rodney was well aware of and appreciated the fact that if not for John he would probably miss a majority of his meals.

"Didn't realize I was in charge of your feeding schedule," Sheppard said a bite to his words that sounded more angry than sarcastic. 

"I mean you're not necessarily it's just you normally come down to the labs," McKay was going to say it really wasn't a big deal but John cut in.

"Well I was busy this morning," he snapped looking up at Rodney. His friend's bright blue eyes were a little wide, face a mix of confusion and annoyance. That nasty twisty feeling in John's chest was back making his throat feel tight and his stomach flip. "In fact I'm still pretty busy." He said and gathered up his trash to leave.

"Hang on I just got here," McKay protested reaching out and touching his friend's arm as he moved to stand. 

John jerked his arm away. "You're a big boy think you can handle eating alone. Like I said I have shit to do." And he turned and left.

Rodney just watched him go face twisted into a scowl. “Who the hell pissed in his coffee this morning," he muttered to himself as he poked at his food.

\-----

Sheppard really didn't have anything pressing to do. He was on his way to the gym, needed to blow off some steam and sparing was always good for that. Stopping in front of a transporter he was just about to reach for the door when it opened. Inside was Keller and a couple of her nurses. The nurses smiled and muttered shy little ‘hellos’ as they moved around him, Keller on the other hand looked almost like she wanted to turn tail and run.

"Dr. Keller," he said trying to sound as kind as he could. She stopped waving her nurses off with a promise she'd catch up. "I want to apologize for last night. I...it was out of line and inappropriate for me to barge into your room like that."

"Yes it was," Jennifer agreed arms crossed tightly over her chest she still looked a little uncomfortable. "You scared the hell out of me Colonel."

"I know and I don't blame you. I was just upset by the whole situation. By what you had done, and then when you said..." he drifted off rubbing the back of his neck and glancing around to make sure they were alone.

"Its my own fault. I should have known better than to just assume you were ok with homosexuality. Guess I just thought you wouldn't fall into the judgmental military stereotype." She gave him a narrow eyed look that was both annoyed and disappointed.

"Look I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me. I've got nothing against the gays," John said holding up his hands passively.

"Oh yeah referring to them like that makes it very convincing." Keller quipped with an eye roll.

"No really I don't. What concerning adults do behind closed doors is up to them and I don't care who they do it with." He paused briefly face turning serious. "But _I'm_ not like that and I really didn't appreciate you insinuating that I was."

Keller shook her head letting out a heavy sigh. "Whatever you say Colonel." John got the feeling she didn't entirely believe him. "And about what I gave you, if you plan on reporting me for it I want to be there when you do. I clearly made a mistake and I'll own up to it."

John pressed his lips together in thought. He had genuinely considered reporting her. He knew he should, as CO it was his duty. Then John had thought about how if he did then Rodney would find out. And if Rodney found out then he would know that John knew and that wasn't something John thought he could handle. "No I'm not going to. You're a good doctor who made a mistake. We need you here."

"Oh...alright then," Keller was surprised by that. Based on his reaction she truly had expected him to report her. "Well I appreciate it and trust me it's not a mistake I'll be making again." That said she moved to walk past him.

"So we’re good right?" John asked turning to watch her go.

"Yeah just great Colonel." She responded with out turning back to him. John got the feeling she didn't really mean it.

\-----

When Sheppard arrived at the gym he was happy to find Teyla there. She was always a good partner for sparing. It was always both challenging and enjoyable. Challenge because the woman could kick ass better than half the men he knew, enjoyable because what guy wouldn't want to go toe-to-toe with someone who looked like her. 

Teyla was a gorgeous woman, a fact John had of course picked up on at their first meeting. She was beautifully exotic with her dark skin, coppery hair and eyes that seemed to read your soul. Her body was flawless. Even after having Torren she looked like a goddess. Heck full term with him she had still been stunningly beautiful. Kanaan was a lucky man.

It wasn't at all weird or unprofessional for him to think such things. It was only natural. He was a man, he liked women, there for he appreciated her appearance. That's the way it was supposed to be. A fact he had to reminded himself of on many occasions, for reasons he refused to acknowledge.

"John," Teyla was saying with a slight question to her tone. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah of course. Need a sparing partner?" He said smiling pleasantly at her.

"If you say so, you were staring." She said as she handed him a set of banto rods. 

"Oh sorry just a lot on my mind today. Need to let off some steam," John apologized as he took the weapons from Teyla and positioned himself across the ring from her.

"Anything you would like to speak about?" Teyla asked as she settled into a fighting stance. John shook his head and she nodded in understanding. There was a brief pause as both of them calculated their first move. John struck first and she countered him easily. The exchange ended rather quickly the result being John flat on his back on the mat.

Giving her a lop sided smile he stood up and retook his fighting stance. Yeah this was just what he needed. "Best two out of three?"

\-----

Best two out of three had turned in to best three out of five, then best five out of seven. He put up a good fight but couldn't best her. Not that he minded, no shame losing to a bad ass lady like Teyla. Now back in his room he stretched pleased by the gentle ache in his body. 

Flopping down into his desk chair he opened his laptop, intending to check his email before heading for the shower. As soon as the screen came to life he regretted the decision. Staring back at him from the screen was Rodney. Frozen midsentence exactly the way John had left the video the night before. 

John felt his face heat, his chest tighten. Reaching out he went to close the window. Apparently his intent was lost in translation between his brain and his hand because instead of closing the video he drug the progress bar backwards and hit play. "Before I forget it..." Rodney said looking into the camera. “John," the long pause and that sad shy look on his face as he looked down. "I love you. I—I have for a long time. I wanted, needed to say it out loud—" 

Hand darting out John jabbed the escape key so hard it stuck down in the keyboard. It successfully closed the window and caused the laptop to start dinging at him in protest. He hit the button violently two more times before it popped back up and the laptop stopped yelling at him. Then he just sat there staring at the empty screen. He had meant what he said to Keller. He didn't care if other people were gay. If Rodney was gay, bisexual however he identified John didn't care. Hell the other man could eat daisies and crap out rainbows, it was no skin off his nose.

Sighing John hit the eject button causing the disk to pop out of the laptop. Picking it up he looked down at its shiny holographic surface. His reflection showing an ugly mix of sadness and anger on his face. "Sheppards' aren't faggots," he muttered quietly. They were his father's words not his but they were words he had lived by for years.

It had been the summer right after he had turned fourteen. John had hidden an issue of _Playgirl_ in his mattress. Tucked up under the fitted sheet and hidden on the edge of his bed that backed up against the wall. He had no idea how his father had found it. Although based on the guilty looks Dave had given him after the incident John suspected his brother had something to do with it. 

The incident had been Patrick Sheppard beating John to a bloody pulp. He'd broken John’s nose, cracked his ribs, left him concussed and covered in so many bruises it looked like John had gone three rounds with a heavy weight champ. Dave had patched him up afterwards, sloppily bandaged his wounds with wet eyes and shaky hands. When his mother had come home and seen him she had been horrified. John had feed her a lie about neighborhood bullies too ashamed to tell her the truth. John wasn't sure she had ever actually believed his excuse and his parent's marriage had really started to degenerate after that. 

It had been a hard learned lesson but one that John had learned well. Sheppards’ weren't faggots, fact not opinion. That fact had woven itself into his flesh and bone as his wounds had healed. The words carving themselves into the back of his skull where his subconscious lived. Echoing out in his father's angry voice like an alarm whenever his mind strayed to places it shouldn't.

Like in high school when he just couldn't help but sneak subtle sideways glances at the other boys in the locker room. In college when warm inviting smiles from his English professor had made butterflies swarm in his stomach. When fresh out of the academy he had gotten a little too fond of his first copilot. 

For the past five years that alarm had been going off far more frequently. Ever since he had gone to Antarctica and sat in some stupid glowing chair. Ever since he had been introduced to a big mouthed, sarcastic, egotistical, brilliant, and charmingly geeky physicist. Rodney had quickly become his number one trigger for unacceptable thoughts. So he pushed those thoughts away and replaced them with outward charm and swagger. Over compensated by flirting with every hot alien they came across. 

So yeah Rodney was free to be as queer as he wanted but John Sheppard didn't swing that way. Swallowing thickly around the lump that had settled in his throat John stood. He hesitated only for a moment before tossing the disk in the trash next to his desk. Heading to his bathroom for a shower John told him self the painful twisting in his chest was the result of his workout. A lie he almost was able to convince himself of. 

\-----

Somehow the disk magically found its way out of the trash the next morning. Somehow it got put back in his computer. And somehow John found himself watching it again. This became an almost daily ritual. Watch the video, sulk and get angry, throw the CD away, retrieve it at some point, and repeat. He had watched Rodney's confession so many times he knew the exact time stamp where it started, knew word for word what he would say and how his voice would inflect and soften as he spoke. 

It had been over two weeks since Keller had given it to him. Along with his ritual of re-watching and throwing the CD away being a dick to Rodney had also become part of his routine. He knew he was doing it but couldn't stop himself. Every time the other man spoke to him John saw the soft sad look Rodney had worn in the video. Heard the words 'I love you' falling from his lips. Every time it happened he felt more tangled up inside. A nasty knot of self-hatred consuming him from the inside out.

John had stopped going down to the labs. He had tried to keep up his normal interactions with McKay. Had genuinely tried to act like nothing had changed but it just didn't work. Everything he said came out harsh and hateful. McKay would either look at him like a kicked puppy or snap back with a pissy remark of his own. Overall their friendship was in a downward spiral threatening to crash and blow up anytime.

Today was the real test of how bad things had gotten. It was the first mission they would be going on together since John had seen the video. Watching as Rodney loaded the last of his equipment onto the Jumper John prayed for easy goings and a quick return. 

"What you bringing the whole damn lab with you McKay? Come on let's go already," he snapped at the scientist as he shouldered past him to take his seat in the cockpit. 

"There is no need to rush Colonel Sheppard. We will have plenty of time to meet with the Vanturians," Teyla interjected coming to Rodney's defense before the two of them could get into an argument.

"Thank you Teyla," Rodney said pointedly as he took his seat in the copilot chair. 

"Yeah alright," John muttered as he started up the Jumper directing it to the gate room.

"We ever gonna talk about the giant stick that's been shoved up your ass Sheppard?" Ronon asked glaring at the back of his leader's head.

"I'm fine there's nothing to talk about." John said with an air of finality lining up the ship with the Gate. Next to him McKay snorted loudly and John didn't need to look over to know he was rolling his eyes. Ignoring the scientist and choosing to keep his mouth shut John sent them through the Gate and off on their mission.

The Vanturians were very promising potential trade partners. Not only did they have plentiful crops but they were also known for selling relics of the Ancients. Useless trinkets to be worshiped by people of other worlds but potentially valuable artifacts for them. Unfortunately they did not receive the warmest welcome upon arrival. At least John and Rodney didn't. Teyla and Ronon were met with smiles and respect while the two Earthlings were given harsh looks and barely spoken to.

"Alright Teyla what gives." John asked when she returned from her brief meeting with the town leaders. 

"They are apparently among those that view the Atlantis expedition as less than helpful. They hold you and your people responsible for many of the hardships that have befallen them and their allies." Teyla explained brows drawn an a frown.  
John sighed shaking his head. After all the good they had done for the Pegasus galaxy it baffled him that some civilizations viewed them as the enemy. Like they were antiheroes instead of allies. "Are they willing to work with us at all?"

"They are willing to speak with Ronon and I but right now have no interest in welcoming you or Dr. McKay. They do however seem open to having their minds changed about your people," Teyla said. It didn't escape John that she cast an apologetic look Rodney's way. As if saying 'sorry I have to leave you alone with him'.

"Well you go work your diplomatic magic then. McKay and I will find something else to do. You’ve got some kind of energy thing to chase after right?" John questioned looking to Rodney.

"Yes I wanted to do a broad scan. Clearly there was a heavy Ancient presence here at one point. There could be under ground ruins or—"

"Sounds good. We'll take care of that while you two go make nice with the locals," John cut in earning an annoyed look form the scientist.

They all agreed to meet back up in a couple hours and went there separate ways. Back on board the Jumper John got it started up and in the air while Rodney began calibrating the sensors.

"Its weird isn't it how some of the planets view us as antiheroes instead of good guys after all we've done," McKay said as he hooked up his tablet to the Jumper’s control panel.

John glanced over at the other man. It should have been easy to say 'yeah I was just thinking the same thing'. They could fall into a discussion about comic book antiheroes. Debate who was more entertaining Deadpool or Venom, and even though Deadpool was the obvious answer John would be team Venom just for the sake of debating it. They would fall into an easy back and forth of banter that would make the time pass quickly. 

Instead John just hummed and said, "this way work for you?" As he directed the Jumper in a steady upward arch over the tree tops and past the outer edges of the town.

"Yeah its fine," Rodney answered glancing over at his friend’s profile. Frowning he tried yet again to figure out what was wrong between them.

At first Rodney has assumed John was in a bad mood because of something related to work. He knew being CO took a lot more effort and generated more stress than John let on. Especially over the last couple years since the IOA had gotten more hands-on. That theory had gone out the window after the first few days. It hadn't taken Rodney long to pick up that John's foul mood was only directed at him. He had been racking his brain on and off for the last two weeks trying to think of something he could have done to warrant such treatment but kept coming up blank.

At first John's attitude toward him had been annoying and left Rodney agitated. Now it had just moved to being hurtful. He felt like he was back in Grade Five being heckled by school bullies. Trying to talk to John about it had proven useless. After a week of being the victim of John's verbal abuse he had snapped back at the man demanding to know what was wrong with him. "Nothing I'm fine. Mind your own damn business! Not everything is about you McKay," the soldier had nearly yelled at him before storming off. 

If it hadn't been for Teyla and Ronon running interference between them Rodney was sure they would have gotten into an all out brawl by now. Rodney knew his teammates had also tried to speak with John and had just as little luck. Whatever was wrong with the other man was not something he felt like sharing. Teyla had suggested he report John to Carter but just like back in Grade Five he didn't want to be labeled a nark. Ronon had suggested they just give him a good ass kicking and knock some sense back into John but really Rodney got the feeling that wouldn't help. 

Honestly he was starting to wonder if something was medical wrong with John. Like he had been invaded by a foul tempered Goa'uld somehow. Or maybe the retrovirus that had turned him into and aggressive half bug was flaring up again. Or what if—

"What's your deal McKay?" John asked suddenly his tone sharp and Rodney realized he was still staring at him.

"Nothing Sheppard, just still trying to figure out what _your_ deal is." The scientist bit back sourly.

"Like I keep saying, I don't have a deal." John said emphasizing each word as he turned his attention back out the windshield.

"Yeah you keep telling yourself that," Rodney mumbled under his breath and adjusted the settings on his tablet.

"You got something to say to me?" John shot back glaring over at the other man again. 

"Yeah, how about you pull the stick out of your ass and start acting like a decent human being again." Rodney retorted.

"Ha! That's rich coming from you. Cause you're always Mister sunshine and smiles."

"At least when I'm in a bad mood I always have an actual reason instead of just acting that way for shits and giggles!"

"For Christ sake McKay I didn't realize you were so freaking sensitive," John gave an agitated huff and rolled his eyes.

"I can't believe I'm stuck up here with you for the next two hours," Rodney groaned pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Yeah right, because I absolutely love being a glorified taxi driver for you. You are capable of fly the Jumper yourself, or did you forget that little fact?" 

"Oh I'm sorry Sheppard I didn't realize making you do your job was such a burden," Rodney muttered as he examined the data that had started coming in from the sensors. 

"It is not my job to wait on you hand and foot McKay," John growled back.

Rodney just shook his head not bothering to reply. Really if things didn't go back to normal soon he was going to genuinely need to consider switching Gate teams. Which really was the last thing he wanted. 

\-----

"Hey can I talk to you?" Rodney asked as he approached Jennifer the next day at dinner. She was just getting up to leave with some of her friends when he caught her.

"Sure Rodney," she smiled at him sitting back down and waving to her friends as they left. "Something wrong?"

"Not with me no," he said sighing as he sat down. "It's Sheppard, I'm worried about him. He hasn't been acting like himself lately." The scientist explained frowning as he did. He glanced across the mess to where John was sitting with the rest of the team, just catching his eye before the other man looked away. "He hasn't come talk to you about anything has he?"

"Rodney—" 

"I know, I know you can't really tell me anything even if he has," Rodney continued before she could shut him down. "I'm just concerned and want to make sure he's ok."

Jennifer glanced across the mess to where the soldier in question was then back at Rodney. She couldn't tell him the truth. Rodney didn't even remember confessing his feelings about John, how could she tell him the other man knew? "No he hasn't mentioned anything to me," she said frowning slightly. "When you say not acting like himself what do you mean exactly?"

Rodney snorted and stabbed violently at his alien equivalent of a pork chop. "He's been a class-A jerk the last couple weeks. Lashing out for no reason, cranky constantly. It's just so unlike him. Only other time he's acted this way towards me was when I blew up that solar system and I haven't done that again so," he paused shrugging. "I can’t figure out what his deal is."

"Is he only treating you this way?" Jennifer asked already guessing the answer and feeling guilty for it.

"Yeah," Rodney admitted and glanced back over at his friend again. "Could you just talk to him for me? Make sure something isn't actually wrong with him. You’re good with people like that."

Jennifer looked down at her empty tray guilt boiling in her gut. "Yeah I'll talk to him," she lied knowing wasn't going to. She knew what was wrong and there was nothing she could do to fix it save go back in time and stop herself from giving John the video.  
"Thanks Jennifer," Rodney said reaching out to gently squeeze her arm affectionately. 

"Its the least I can do." Giving him a sympathetic look she stood to leave.

\-----

Jennifer had almost made it back to the infirmary when John caught up with her. "Dr. Keller!" He called jogging up behind her in the hall. She groaned turning to meet him. 

"Yes Colonel what can I do for you," she asked trying to be pleasant.

"What were you and McKay talking about at dinner?" He asked brows furrowed.

"Nothing that is any of your business," she said crossing her arms. She had told Rodney she would talk to him but she knew there was no point. 

"Don't pull that on me. I saw the both of you looking at me. Did you tell him I know?" The soldier questioned in agitation.

"No of course not." Jennifer responded.

"Then tell me what you were talking about." John demanded again. 

Shaking her head Jennifer turned away from him. "I told you it's none of your business." John reached out grabbing her wrist when she tried to leave, mouth open to question her again but he didn't get the chance. "Don't touch me!" She hissed pulling her arm away and then glaring at him. "Fine you want to know so badly? He was asking me if you were ok, wanted to know if you were sick or something. He was asking because he's your friend and even though you've been a huge jerk to him Rodney still cares about you. That's what friends do Colonel! So either start acting like his friend again or just leave him alone because he doesn't deserve your homophobic abuse."

"Its not about Rodney," John hissed glaring down at her. "I don't care who he—"

"Then get over yourself!" Jennifer yelled at him so loudly that down the hall several people poked their heads from the infirmary to stare at them. "If it's not about him then it must be all about you, so get over it! And if you _don't_ care sooo much maybe you need to ask yourself why you're acting so paranoid and obsessed!" Then she turned and stormed away leaving John wide eyed to stare after her.

\-----

John was furious by the time he got back to his room. Who did Keller think she was talking to him like that? This was all her fault anyway. He wasn't being paranoid or obsessive. He was fine. Rodney was in love with him, so what? He was fine with that. So what if John had watched his confession dozens of times over the last two weeks. Didn't matter he was fine. He was straight and he was _fine_. He could thrown away the stupid CD for real anytime he wanted to because he wasn't attached to it. No not at all.

Needing to prove it to himself John stormed over to his bed where he had left the laptop that morning. Picking it up he hit the eject button and pulled the CD from it so roughly he bent the caddy in the process. Carelessly tossing the computer back on the bed he glared at the shiny disk for a moment before hurling it like a Frisbee toward the trashcan. It impacted with the wall making a sharp _plink_ sound as it snapped in half.

"No!" John gasped the word coming out strangled and broken. Running over he knelt down and picked up the two nearly perfect halves. He cradled them gently as if they would shatter even more if he wasn't careful and stared down at himself in their shiny surfaces. His reflection looked back up at him fractured and desperate as the realization that he would never hear Rodney's confession again sank in. John's throat felt tight, like all the air had been sucked from him. "I'm not fine," he muttered softly. Letting the pieces of the disk fall back to the floor John dropped his head to his hands crumpling in on himself.

It was the first bit of truth John had admitted to himself in a long time. He wasn't fine, hadn't been for some time. The facade of his sexuality had been cracking apart since he met Rodney. Every time the other man was in serious danger another little piece would flake away and John would hate himself for his feelings toward the other man. It had been getting harder and harder to keep up the charade of being straight and the scolding voice of his father kept getting louder and louder in his head.

Like that night on the pier those weeks ago. When Rodney had shown up at his door hysteric and terrified. John had wanted to wrap his arms around him and never let go. When they had been sitting outside talking and Rodney had tried to say good-bye it had been heart wrenching. Like someone had aimed a 50cal right at his chest and just blown him away. John had wanted so badly to give in to his feelings but the alarm bells in his head kept him from it. 

Body shaking with silent sobs John sat there on his floor willing himself to move on. To push his feelings towards Rodney away because it just wasn't right. He couldn't shouldn't love the other man, but he did. John knew he did. Had known it for a long time and every time he thought about it he could practically feel the sting of his father's fist against his face.

Looking down into the broken CD John stared at himself for a long moment. His reflection distraught and pathetic. He looked like a ghost of himself. Gone was the confident charming man he had played for years. Replaced by this tormented tangled up person who hated them self for something that was beyond their control. As that person stared back at him John came to a realization that had eluded him before. The pain he was causing himself was worse than the pain left over from his father's abuse. 

Letting out a deep sigh John stood and made his way over to the bed. Collapsing on to it he curled into a tight ball and just lay there staring at the wall across from him. He was so tired of pretending, so tired of hating himself, so tired of living in the shadow of his father's bigotry. He was just tired.

\-----

Reclined in bed with a relatively new addition of _Physics Review_ Jennie had left him, Rodney was surprised by a knock at his door. It was so subtle he almost thought he had imagined it but after a moment of not answering it came again. "What?" Rodney shouted as he put down the magazine and headed toward the door. It was rare that people actually bothered him in his quarters. Especially because, like tonight, he didn't retire to them until the early hours of the morning. 

"Rodney? It’s me can I come in?" Sheppard said from the other side. Rodney narrowed his eyes at the door hesitant to open it.

"That depends. Are you going to act like a civilized person or an asshole?" The scientist questioned glaring at the door.

"Civilized person," John answered and it didn't escape Rodney that he sounded off. Weak almost, like talking was taking some great effort.

Rodney thought the door open but made no move to greet John as he entered. "What happened to you?" He asked taking in John's appearance. He look bed ragged which could be explained by the late hour, but more than that he looked exhausted. Looked all 40 some years of his age instead of the youthful man who—in Rodney's opinion—had stopped aging around 30.

"I need to talk to you about something," John said and even those simple neutral words were hard to get out. He had fallen into a fit full sleep after the incident with the CD. Waking on and off with hazy too real dreams about his father and Rodney. His mind still felt a little foggy, his chest tight with nerves about what he was doing here. 

"Oh? Finally going to explain why you've been a colossal ass to me the last couple weeks?" Rodney asked arms crossed tightly over his chest, annoyed scowl on his face.

"Yeah something like that." John said rubbing at the back of his neck nervously. "It’s about something you said when you were sick with the parasite."

"You'll have to more specific because I don't remember anything from when I had it." Rodney said and that sent John's heart pounding. For some reason Rodney not remembering the confession made this seem even harder.

"You don't remember anything? Not even the tapes you made with Dr. Keller?" He asked just to make sure.

"Fragments. Nothing that really makes sense." Rodney said with a casual roll of his shoulders. "Jennifer kept trying to get me to watch the logs. She was oddly persistent about it when I first started recovering. Really though I have no desire to watch myself descend into madness."

"Yeah I guess I can understand that..." John agreed and then stood quietly because he wasn't sure what to say now. It had taken all his will power to come to Rodney's room with the intention of talking about this. How to go about actually bringing it up had eluded him. Rodney was watching him expectantly and John could feel sweat starting to prickle his skin. "So um..." Reaching into one of the larger cargo pockets of his BDUs John pulled out the broken CD. He held it out to the scientist who took it with a confused look.

"What's this?" He said brows pinched together.

"One of the video logs you make with Dr. Keller." John explained shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

"Why do you have it?" Rodney asked sounding annoyed. "Why would Jennifer give you a copy, she's not allowed to do that."

"There was something on it that uh.....she thought I should hear." John felt all hot and embarrassed. Shoving his hands into his pockets he looked at the floor, positive he was blushing stupidly.

Rodney snorted and turned to toss the broken disk in his trash. "What could I possibly have said that she thought you needed to hear?" He thought out loud as he looked back at John. Taking in the other man's flushed face and uncomfortable stance it took only a moment for the realization to dawn. "Oh my God," he gasped and all the color drained from his face.

John looked back up at him nodding a little to confirm the scientist's unspoken conclusion. "Look Sheppard—John if I said anything about....I don't want it to change anything between us. It doesn't have to change anything. I mean clearly it has already but I don't expect anything from you. If you're not ok, if you need some space I can talk to Carter and see if—"

"Say it Rodney." John broke into the other man's rambling. He wasn't sure where he had pulled the strength from to make the demand because really he felt weak, faint almost.

"John I don't think—"

"Don't make me ask again, please." John said his heart thundering so badly he could barely even hear himself talk.

There was a long pause and Rodney looked away from him. Eyes down cast just like in the video. Then barely a whisper Rodney did as he was asked. "I love you John."

John swore his heart flat lined. Hearing Rodney say it in person was so much more powerful than hearing it on the recording had been. His palms were sweaty and he felt a little light headed. He must have looked in too because suddenly Rodney was right in front of him strong hands on his biceps.

"Hey are you ok you don't look so well," Rodney was saying voice gentle with concern.

Ok? John had never been more ok or more terrified in his life. It was a confusing mess of jumbled up emotions that left him feeling heavy and oppressed. Like he had turned to stone and would crumble apart if Rodney wasn’t there to hold him together. John opened his mouth to say something but couldn't get any words to come out. Instead he brought his hands up and loosely gripped the front of Rodney's shirt, his head falling down to rest on the scientist's shoulder.

"John?" Rodney said voice full of worry and confusion. John was still for a moment more then lifted his head to meet Rodney's gaze. He was so close to the other man all he would have to do is tilt his head just a little and they would be kissing. Rodney gasped and it took John's brain a long moment to realize he had put that thought into action. 

It was barely a kiss really. John's lips resting lightly against Rodney's, both of them still. After a moment Rodney changed that. Tilting his head to a better angle he pressed back against John, hot breath flushing out against the soldier's face as Rodney sighed deeply. He pulled back briefly before reconnecting their mouths at a slightly different angle, softly running his tongue over John's full bottom lip.

A new wave of hot embarrassment flashed through John accompanied by a shock of panic. His father's hatred filled words ricocheting inside his skull. He was about to pull away when strong hands ran down his arms to settle on his waist. It was anchoring and calming. Rodney's fingers squeezing him softly and brushing under the hem of his shirt. It made an overwhelming feeling of safety bloom in his chest. Making a broken little sound John started to kiss back. 

John had kissed plenty of women in his life time but kissing a man—kissing Rodney—was so very different. It felt so much better, so much more real. He opened his mouth to Rodney's tongue letting it in and meeting it with his own. White noise filled John's head and he felt nearly high. Slowly he moved his hands from clutching Rodney shirt down to his waist. John's hands were shaking as he slid fingers under the edge of Rodney’s shirt. His touch was soft and hesitant. The feel of Rodney's skin under his hands was surreal. John didn’t venture far. Brushing just along Rodney’s hips above his waistband afraid to explore further.

Rodney however was not hesitant. Large warm hands sweeping up John’s sides fingers tracing the lines of his ribs. John trembled at the contact gasping against the kiss. Rodney swept his tongue into the soldier’s mouth claiming it like he had only dreamed of. When John’s tongue touched back it was light and almost shy. Nothing like Rodney would have expected from the confident man. Breaking off the kiss Rodney studied John’s face. He couldn’t quite decipher the look John was wearing but it seemed off somehow. “John, are you alright?”

“Fine,” John replied but it didn’t sound very confident. He leaned back in aiming to start another kiss but Rodney stopped him.

"John wait," Rodney said hands on the other man's chest to keep some distance between them. "Not that I'm not enjoying this because I am. This is literally like a dream come true, but with the way you've been acting this is kind of the definition of mixed messages. And don’t take this the wrong way but you seem a little…” Rodney paused making a small circular motion with his hand, “off. Sure you're ok?” 

“I said I’m fine,” John reiterated trying to put his usual easy drawl in the words. Even to his own ears it sounded less than convincing. 

“Maybe we should slow down and—I can't believe I'm going to say this—talk." Rodney suggested.

John knew Rodney was right. They should slow down and actually talk about what was happening but John couldn't do that. He couldn't loose this momentum. There was still a scolding voice in the back of his mind screaming how wrong this was and John was scared of it. Scared that if they stopped now he wouldn't be able to bring himself to try again. Scared he would fall back into the pit of self-hatred that he had used all his strength to climb out of and come here. 

"We will later," John said taking Rodney's hands and moving them to his waist.

"John I don't understand," Rodney said shaking his head and looking confused.

"Please Rodney. I'll explain I promise but right now I...I need this please." John was well aware his voice sounded strained and desperate but didn't care all he cared about was that Rodney understood how much he needed this. 

For a moment Rodney was still, just watching the other man. Then he nodded and moved his hands up to brush fingers across John's jaw. "Alright," he said simply and then kissed John again. When it ended Rodney took John's hands and moved them toward his bed. John laid down looking up at him with wide eyes. Seeing the soldier in his bed sent a shiver up Rodney's spine. The scientist took a moment to remove John's boots then knelt next to him on the bed. Reaching out he removed John’s shirt followed by his own. 

John lifted his hands to Rodney’s chest. Fingers spread wide he slid them over his pectorals up to his shoulders. The contact was gentle and it almost felt like someone else was moving his body. Like John had lost control and was just observing as this other person touched Rodney. He drew in a shaky breath and slid his hands back down. Further this time until they were resting on the scientist’s hips. John let his finger trail along the waistband, dancing over hip bones and skimming just inside Rodney’s pants.

The contact made Rodney shiver and his skin prickled with goose flesh. John’s touches were so light they almost tickled. It was pleasant yet odd. John was watching him almost reverently like he was in stunned disbelief this was happening. Rodney was tempted to ask yet again if John was ok. Instead he stayed still and let the other man explore him. He let out a soft moan when John swept his hands back upwards fingers ghosting over Rodney’s now hard nipples. John brushed them lightly eyes darting between Rodney’s chest and his face. Then John’s hands were at his waist again, fingers shaking as they dipped lower. When John brushed over his erection through his pants Rodney couldn’t keep still any longer. He leaned down blanketing John with his body. “You’re driving me crazy,” he breathed into John’s ear mouthing the shell of it.

The moist heat had John shivering and his hands came up to wrap over Rodney’s back. He touched his shoulder blades and spine with just as much gentle hesitancy as he had Rodney’s chest. The scientist had so much warm skin and it covered hard muscle and sharp bone. Nothing like the softness and supple curves of the women he had slept with. Where that had always felt foreign this felt familiar and welcome. Following the line of Rodney’s spine John’s hands found their way to the scientist’s ass.

Rodney groaned at the gentle groping and rocked his hips into John’s. The hard line of his erection shifting against John’s. The soldier gasped at this pressing up into him and Rodney smiled against his throat. “Think we can do without these,” Rodney said sitting up and popping open his pants. Moving away from John briefly he removed them underwear and all. John stared openly at the other man’s body. Eyes burning a slow path from his face down to his erection. Like the rest of Rodney it was sturdy and thick. John jumped slightly when Rodney’s hands landed on the front of his BDUs. “Is this ok?”

“Yeah, yes.” John said sounding a touch awed. Looking down his body he watched as Rodney opened his pants and slid them down his hips. Once he had John naked the scientist retook his position over him reconnecting their hips. John let out a stuttering breath at the contact and gripped Rodney's biceps with shaky hands. Again he had the odd feeling this wasn't actually happening to him. An out of body experience almost or a dream perhaps. Then one of Rodney's hands was slipping between them. He stroked John's cock lightly and the soldier pressed up into the contact with a soft moan. The touch only lasted a moment before Rodney's hand was moving lower brushing just barely between his cheeks. The contact had John crashing back into his body. Gone was the surrealism of the situation replaced by the shocking reality of what he was doing.

"Can I?" Rodney was asking noticing how tense John had gotten. "You can say no, we don't have to move so fast."

It was something he had always wanted but never had been able to do. The few times he had ventured to touch himself there the guilt and shame John'd felt had been enough to wither his arousal. Panic battled with desire making John's tongue feel heavy as he spoke. “Yes Rodney," he said softly and welcomed the reassuring kiss Rodney pressed to his lips before moving away. John watched as he moved to the edge of the bed retrieving lubricant from his night stand. Then he was resettling between John's legs and running warm hands up and down his trembling thighs.

"You're sure?" Rodney questioned again. "Don't feel like you have to John." The soldier said nothing but nodded up at him and Rodney leaned down to kiss him again, slow and soft. It was amazing—Rodney thought—how in bed people could be totally different from who they were in public. He had once dated a classmate in college who in public was quiet as a church mouse but behind closed doors was the most controlling person he had ever had sex with. He found it both odd and touching that John was the exact opposite. Perhaps it was because his job constantly required him to be so confidant and take charge that he enjoyed being gentle and reserved for a change. Slicking his fingers Rodney brushed between John's cheeks again. Stroking shallowly several times before venturing down enough to stroke over the other man's entrance. He brushed it several times, circling with one finger before pressing in slowly. 

John gasped hands clamping down hard over Rodney's biceps. He had never even made it that far on his own. Had barley touched and never entered. John felt himself starting to wilt as Rodney pressed deeper. It felt good to have the other man pressing into him and John couldn't help hating himself for enjoying it. Couldn't push back the shame that washed over him for wanting more of it. 

It didn't escape Rodney's notice that John's erection was trying to wilt and he wrapped a firm hand around it stroking slowly. "You have to relax John. You're so tight," he spoke softly bending to kiss John's stomach.

John nodded and tried. Taking deep breaths he started a mantra inside his head of 'its ok this is fine' but it wasn't helping. Despite wanting it, despite enjoying the feel of Rodney inside him the shame just wouldn't go away. His erection flagged and John gave an embarrassed broken groan as he looked away from the other man. 

"John, hey are you ok?" Rodney asked removing his hands from the soldier's body. He wasn't sure what he had done wrong but clearly something wasn't right.

"No," John nearly sobbed the word coming out harsh and angry. "I'm not ok I...." he paused and brought his hands up to cover his face.

"What’s going on here? Did I hurt you? Do you want to stop?" Rodney was beyond confused. He didn't see how he could have hurt the other man but John clearly was not enjoying himself. 

"No," John said again removing his hands to look up at Rodney. "I..." John had to pause and it took great effort for him to force the words out. "I liked it." 

"Really? Doesn't seem like you did," Rodney pointed out his hands idly rubbing over John's thighs.

"I shouldn't," John blurted out voice breaking. He felt pathetic and angry. Here he was in bed with a man that loved him—who he loved back—and he was practically crying.

"You shouldn't what, like it?" Rodney asked now even more confused. The scientist stared down at John for a moment taking in his distraught appearance and thinking on his words. Rodney was a smart man and it only took a moment for it to click together. The way John had been acting, his mixed actions now. The realization was like a punch in the gut. "The way you were acting towards me. It wasn't because you hated me for loving you. It was because you hated yourself for loving me back." Rodney spoke in disbelief. 

"It's wrong, I'm not supposed to!" John all but shouted the words boiling out of him before he could hold them in. Then he had to look away from Rodney because he couldn't take the way the scientist was looking at him. Like John was a scared injured animal that would flee at any moment. 

"John," Rodney said soft and full of authority all at once. Hand caressing John's jaw he made the soldier look at him. "There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with us being together. Its good and right and natural." John didn't turn away from him but he shut his eyes tightly, body trembling. 

For a moment Rodney just watched him, his heart clenching tightly for John's turmoil. "I mean it John," he said in a heartfelt whisper. "Us like this is ok. This is right." John shook his head and Rodney could see the wetness gathering in the crease of his still shut eyes. "Yes John," he whispered firmly and stroked his fingers over John's cheek. Leaning down Rodney wrapped his arms around John holding him tightly. "God I wish I could go back and stop whoever, whatever it was that got you so twisted up inside about this." 

John held him back hands gripping Rodney's shoulders like his life depended on it. "Rodney," he choked out burying his face in the scientist's neck. 

They stayed like that for a long moment. John silently sobbing into Rodney's shoulder and the scientist just took it. Let the other man get it out of his system. Stroking firm reassuring hands up and down his back. Eventually John stopped shaking but he didn't move from where he was clinging to Rodney. Taking deep steadying breaths he tried to compose himself.

"Are you ok?" Rodney asked softly. John just nodded face still pressed against the other man. Rodney pulled back but just slightly, his lips brushing John's ear as he spoke. "You want to stop?" And really it was more of a statement than a question.

"No," John said quietly the word coming out horse. Pulling back from Rodney he cleared his throat and wiped away the wetness streaking his face. "No, I need to do this."

"Are you sure? I don't mind stopping, I understand. John you don't have anything to prove."

Didn't he though? He needed to prove his father wrong and Rodney right. Looking up at Rodney, John took in his features. Cataloging the things he had always found so attractive and always denied. He was done denying. John brought his hands up to Rodney's face ran them over his cheek bones and down his neck. Slow and deliberate like he was truly touching him for the fist time. "I don't just need this Rodney, I want it. Please."

When John pulled him down for a kiss Rodney didn't object. He did however pull away when John tried to deepen it. "We don’t need to rush. You've never done anything with another man have you?" The fierce redness that swept over John's face was answer enough and it made Rodney smile softly. Part of him utterly thrilled that he would be the first to touch John like this. "I'm going to make it so good for you."

John rolled his eyes because the line was so corny but inside he knew it would be true. Even if Rodney was the worst lay in history it would still be amazing. It would be because it was Rodney. Because it was John being himself for the first time in his life.

Rodney was kissing him again slow and deep. Strong hands touching John's neck and face, stroking softly down over his shoulders. John melted into Rodney's touch arms wrapping around him to feel over the expanse of Rodney's back. John wasn't sure how long they kissed for. He lost his concept of time in the other man's mouth and he didn’t care. It could’ve been minutes, hours, an eternity; if he was with Rodney it didn’t matter. By the time Rodney moved down and stared in on his neck John’s erection was back full force. Coaxed to life again by the tender touches.

Rodney found a sensitive spot just under his ear and it made John shudder. Arching up he lightly rubbed his cock against Rodney's thigh silently asking for more. Rodney seemed to either not get the message or was choosing to ignore it because his hands were staying strictly above John's waist. He ran them slowly up and down John's ribs. Carded his fingers through soft chest hair to find and play with hard nipples. John's skin felt on fire and he was desperate to get Rodney to do more than kiss and pet him. "Rodney, please." He said voice almost begging.

Finally Rodney ran one hand down to brush over John's dick. The touch feather light and teasing as he ran the back of his fingers up and down the length. John shuddered and canted his hips up into the touch. Then Rodney's hand was gone moving pass John's cock and balls to brush just as lightly against his cheeks. "Think we could try this again?" 

"Yeah," John breathed looking down to meet Rodney's eyes.

Rodney moved away for only a moment so he could reach the lube. "Don't think John. Just feel." He said as he ran slick fingers softly over John's perineum. The soldier nodded and Rodney moved down his body. Face pressed against John's chest he mothed a nipple at the same time he touched John's entrance. He traced it slowly before pushing in briefly then retreating. Rodney did this several times—just barely breaching John's body—before pushing in up to the last knuckle in a slow firm motion.

John took in a deep shaky breath his hands tightening on Rodney's shoulders. Feel don't think he told himself as he slowly let the breath out. It felt good if not odd. Rodney's finger moving in a steady gentle pace in and out of him. The scientist's mouth on his chest was good as well, warm and reassuring. After several long moments of this Rodney pressed in a little firmer, twisted his finger. It made John squirm. Rodney did it again and again at slightly different angles each time until finally.

"Oh!" John gasped body jerking at the contact to his prostate. He tightened around Rodney's finger the unexpected pleasure making his body tense.

"I've got you its ok," Rodney reassured him kissing John's shoulder soothingly. 

John nodded glancing down at Rodney and meeting his eyes. They were brighter blue than he had ever realized and it was calming. John held the contact as Rodney crooked his finger again stroking slow and firm over his prostate. Again John couldn't help the surprised pleasured sound he let out. It made Rodney smile up at him genuinely and as he stroked over it a third time John couldn't keep his eyes open letting them flutter shut in pleasure.

He had never dreamed being touched there would feel so good. Nerves John never even knew he had coming to life under Rodney's touch. He couldn't help but squirm a little, spread his legs more and sink down towards Rodney's touch. The sensation washing over John’s body with each firm stroke was beautiful. Then there was a brief moment of discomfort. A tight stretch that burned slightly. John was about to complain when Rodney's fingers—two of them now—touched his prostate again. The additional contact from the second finger made it even better and John's whole body trembled with the sensation.

Dragging his eyes open John looked down at Rodney to find the other man staring up at him. His face alight with something John couldn't decipher. Then Rodney smiled and leaned up to kiss him. Suddenly John realized what it was. Love. 

"Rodney," he breathed against him voice shaky and happy. Rodney didn't say anything just kissed him soft and slow. An odd off beat tempo to the firm movements of his fingers. John wouldn’t last much longer like this. He could feel his cock twitch with the shocks of pleasure Rodney was causing. Could feel the tension building up behind the pleasure. So much pleasure so different from anything he had experienced before. It wasn't just the physical pleasure it was the emotional pleasure as well. The way Rodney had been looking at him. The way he was kissing him. Pouring so much of himself into John.

John's orgasm rocked through him. Causing him to jerk away from Rodney's kiss. Mouth open in breathless ecstasy as his body convulsed with bone melting sensations. John clutched at Rodney for dear life eyes opening to stare into bright blue as wave after wave shocked him. Never had he felt something so intense and it was made all the better by Rodney looking down at him. His face soft and happy as if he was the one who had just gotten off.

When it finally passed John collapsed back against the bed loose limbed and feeling feather light. Stroking a hand through the hair at the base of Rodney's skull he tugged him into a kiss. Slow and lazy that ended with them resting their foreheads together and just breathing slowly. "Roll over," Rodney said gently and nudged at John's hip till he complied. Rodney spooned up behind him pulling John tight against his body. 

"You’re still hard," John said clearly able to feel Rodney's erection pressing against him.

"Its ok, don’t worry about it." Rodney said and John believed him. Believed Rodney would be content to just lay there sharing his afterglow. But he wanted to give Rodney as much pleasure as he had just received. John slowly and deliberately rocked back against him causing Rodney's erection to slide snuggly along the cleft of his ass. 

Rodney shuddered at the movement and clutched John tighter. John rocked back against him a few more times before Rodney broke down and started moving with him. John stilled wanting to focus on the feel of the other man against him. The slick drag of Rodney’s cock between his cheeks was incredibly erotic. The way Rodney’s arms tightened around him every time he thrust made John feel safe and wanted. Rodney was making breathy little pants right next to John's ear and it was maddening. He wanted more. More of Rodney, of this moment, of this closeness. 

The lubricant was still on the bed within arms reach and John grabbed it pressing in into Rodney's hand. The scientist stopped moving and looked at John's profile over his shoulder. "This is fine John. We don't have to do that. I don't want to push you." He said and handed the bottle back to John.

While John appreciated Rodney's concern and consideration he knew what he wanted. What he had wanted and denied for years. He had waited long enough. Turning a little so he could see more of Rodney's face John deliberately snapped open the lube and slicked his own hand. He saw Rodney's eyes go a touch wider but the other man didn't stop him or say anything. Reached behind himself John found Rodney's cock and took it in hand. It felt hot and smooth and beautiful in his grip. Stroking a couple times to ensure it was covered thoroughly he angled it towards his opened but couldn’t position it properly himself. "Its alright Rodney. I want you to."

"You’re sure? Don't feel like you have to." Rodney had to double check. The last thing he wanted was to push John into another breakdown.

"Positive. You're not making me do this. I want to." John reassured the other man. He was touched and appreciative of Rodney's concern but knew he was ready for this. For the first time in a long time his mind was free of self-hatred. His father’s bigotry silenced by Rodney's touch. 

"Ok, alright." Rodney said with a little nod and leaned down to kiss John's neck softly. Then he was grabbing himself and positioning his cock against John's slick opening. "Tell me if I'm going too fast."

John nodded and held Rodney’s eye as he pressed in. Rodney moaned quietly and John’s face morphed into slack-jawed awe at the feeling of being entered. Slow and steady in one smooth motion until Rodney was pressed tightly against John's back. Rodney stilled and John could feel him shacking slightly. It must have taken a good deal of effort not to start moving right away and John appreciated it greatly.

It hurt. A dull throbbing burn that was nothing like Rodney's fingers had been. John was starting to think maybe Rodney was right and he had rushed things. Then Rodney was kissing his neck and shoulder. It made John relax and sag back against the other man. He hadn't realized how tense he had gotten. As he relaxed John started to feel the pleasure of being stretched. There was a satisfying side to the ache, like when you stretch out a knotted up muscle. A good kind of subtle pain. 

"Are you ok?" Rodney asked after several long moments of stillness. “Can I move?”

"Yes," John said with a little nod voice breathy. Then he was sucking in a sharp gasp as Rodney started to pull out. The pleasant ache of being stretched over taking the painful part of it. As he pressed back in John couldn't help the genuine moan that escaped him. It was so much more than he had been expecting. Rodney set up a steady pace and John could feel the angle of his hips shifting subtly with each thrust. Searching until he found John's prostate again. When he did John moaned so loud that Rodney had to shush him. Calming hands running over John's body. The soldier bit his lip to keep from being quite as loud but it was hard. The firm persistent drag of Rodney's cock against his prostate was far more intense than his fingers had been. 

Rodney's movements remained steady and slow but grew firmer, pressing hard against John's body. He kissed the soldier’s neck and jaw panting against his sweaty skin. "You're amazing John. You have no idea. So amazing," he was saying in a low shaky voice. John shifted, twisting his shoulders so he could turn more toward Rodney. As soon as he did Rodney was kissing him on the mouth again. It was a touch awkward and a little off center but that was ok.

Everything was ok. Perfect, better than perfect. And then it got even better still because one of Rodney's hands was running down John's body to wrap around his erection. John shouted at the contact. He'd been so consumed by the feeling of Rodney inside him John hadn't even realized he had gotten hard again. Rodney stroked him slow and firm matching the pace of his hips. It was sensory overload and John's body trembled as he came again. Clamping down around Rodney and sobbing out a choked moan as he succumb to the pure pleasure the other man was causing him.

"Christ John," Rodney grit out voice raw and quiet. His hips stuttered against John a few more times before his climax hit. Thrusting hard one finale time he stayed there pressed tightly against John's body and released into him. Dropping his face to the soldier's neck Rodney kissed him soft and wet and lazy. "I love you," he mumbled against John's sweaty skin. 

John shifted and turned until he was fully facing Rodney. It took far more effort than it should have. His whole body felt fuzzy and pleasantly numb. He curled around Rodney nuzzling his face into the scientist's hair. Rodney hummed in response holding him tighter. In the comfort and warmth of Rodney's arms sleep came easy.

\-----

John woke up to sunlight blaring through his eyelids. Groaning in discomfort he opened them slowly and had to blink a few times before he was acclimated enough to see. The room was bright with morning light and that seemed fitting. John felt light, felt weightless. Things seemed different. Like a new color he hadn't been able to see before had been added to the spectrum. Like gravity had been lessened and wasn't pressing in around him anymore. John hadn't realized how much tension and weight he had been carrying around until now. And it had been lifted away thanks to Rodney.

John looked down at the other man. He had shifted on to his back at some point during the night and Rodney had followed him. The scientist was pressed against his side. Arm draped over John's waist, face smashed into his chest in a way that didn't look very comfortable. John watched him sleep and lifted one of his arms to run his hand lightly over Rodney's side. They'd had sex. He had done it. Given in to that side of himself. Thrown his father's hatred to the wind and been himself for the first time in his life. John draped his other arm over his eyes smiling widely, his chest shaking with silent sobs. Joyous tears in contrast to the tormented ones from the night before. 

"You're not freaking out up there are you?" Rodney asked voice a little rough and sleepy.

"No," John said then cleared his throat because his voice sounded too tight. He wiped at his face and really he was sick of crying. He had let out more emotion in the past twenty-four hours than he had the last few years.

"Good," Rodney said as he stretched. Rolling more onto his back but staying snugged up to John. Their legs tangled bodies connected from shoulder to feet. They were both quiet then basking in the pleasant stillness of the morning. 

"It was my father," John blurted out after a while.

“You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to.” Rodney offered. He could tell whatever had happened had left a large emotional scar and didn’t want John to reopen the wound purely for his sake.

“Ok,” John said simply and again they fell quite. He had never told anyone what had happened but he felt compelled to tell Rodney. Like it was the last piece of his false self he needed to shed. "When I was a kid he found out I was..." John paused swallowing hard because he had never actually said it out loud before. "He found out I was gay and he beat the shit out of me. Told me I was sick, that it was wrong, that no son of his was going to be a faggot because Sheppard's weren't like that. I—I believed him. I tried so hard not to be that way and I hated myself anytime I felt, anytime I wanted...I just fucking hated myself."

"Do you now?" Rodney asked shifting to sit up on his elbow and look down at John. 

"Yeah," he said after a brief moment of consideration. Rodney's face feel and he quickly continued. "I hate myself for believing him. For ignoring this for so long." Reaching up he pulled Rodney down for a kiss. It was unpleasant with morning breath and the stale taste of sleep but he didn't care. "I'm sorry for how I treated you."

"Its ok," Rodney said settling with his head on John's shoulder.

"No its not. I was an asshole and you didn't deserve it. Rodney...I love you." Rodney sat up on his elbow again so he could look John in the eye. The soldier had a wide smile stretched across his face, eyes crinkled up in the corners with laugh lines. "It feels _really_ good to say that." John said and pulled Rodney into another kiss. Rodney hummed against his mouth in agreement and kissed him back happily.

\-----

Jennifer could smell the flowers as soon as she stepped into her office. A large bouquet of purple, pink, and yellow. Small swirly flowers that almost looked like roses only clustered together in tight bunches. She had never seen anything like them. They smelled sweet and fresh and it made her smile. Touching the flowers gently Jennifer parted the stems looking for a card. There wasn't one.

"Their from the mainland," a voice behind her said making Jennifer jump. 

Turning around she leveled a skeptical look at Sheppard. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since their shouting match in the hall a week ago. "This your way of apologizing?"

"Yeah," Sheppard said trying to sound as genuine as he could. "Look Jennifer I shouldn't have treated you like I did. I was working through some stuff and took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that, I’m sorry.”

Jennifer eyed him for a moment. He seemed sincere and the calmest she had seen him since giving him the CD. "And this 'stuff' you were working through you get it straightened out? Apologized to Rodney too I would hope." 

"Yeah something like that," John said unable to keep the smile from his face. "We ah.. talked about what he said in the video."

"Oh really?" Jennifer asked and John glanced away from her, color flushing across his face. "Oh _really_?" She said again face breaking into a smile. 

"Yeah, so the flowers are also kind of a thank you. Rodney suggested a fruit basket." He said with a little laugh and a shrug.

"Flowers are better." Jennifer said laughter in her voice. "Good thing he's already won you over. Romance isn't his strong suit." They both laughed at that then lapsed into an almost awkward silence. 

"I'll let you get back to work," John took a step back toward the door not sure what else there was for him to say.

"Alright. Thanks for the flowers and I accept your apology." Jennifer said taking one of them from the vase to smell. 

Nodding to her John took his leave. Rodney was waiting on him outside the infirmary. "She like them?" He asked as they started down the hall.

"Yeah she thought they were ok. Said she wished it was a fruit basket." John told him with a playful smile.

"See I told you—wait you’re screwing with me aren’t you." Rodney jabbed an accusing finger into John’s side and huffed defensively. "Some people like fruit baskets. Unlike flowers they are functional."

"Functional?" John asked unable to hold in a chuckle.

"Yes functional because you know, you can eat them." Rodney defended and it just made John laugh harder. After a moment he settled down and looked over at Rodney with mirth dancing in his eyes. "What?"

"Nothing Rodney." John replied with a shake of his head. Reaching over he took the scientist's hand in his purely because he wanted to and he was done ignore the things he wanted.


End file.
